One Life To Live

It's been another good while since I have written in the journal. I read the last one I wrote and am very surprised at how long it's been. But, I am surprised every single time how much time has evolved. So here I am. Many changes since I last wrote. First, I quit my second job. It was killing me. Not only was there no time for a life, but also in stresses that I won't go into. So I dropped it and I focus only on the one, trying to move up in the company and live as well as possible with the pay I get there. Next, my husband who I have been separated from for 3 years passed away. Because he was sick and on disability I received some of that money from him for those years. Now that is gone. I won't be able to get anything from SS until I turn 62, which by the way is so close it makes me uncomfortable thinking about it. I am very surprised at how sad I am that the person who loved me the most on this earth is gone. Even though we were separated, we weren't divorced, and never intended to. But it was too difficult to live with his end time alcoholism. When I put all the years we had together however, there were a lot of bad days, but overall we had a good marriage, not to mention (though I am) three great kids whom I love very much came from this marriage. The good times are what come to my mind when I think of him now, and the fact that I was married to him for 27 years this past December 5th. are all contributing to my sadness. He loved me dearly to the end, and understood my not being able to handle his illness. Other than that my life moves on in my twilight years and I hope the best is to come, but I will take whatever the Lord has for me and look forward to being with Him forever.

Just back for a minute. I caught up on all of your lives, and commented on some... I have, as usual, been very, very busy. Not that it means a whole lot when you have loved ones needing to hear from you!! So, here I am writing in LiveJournal the latest happenings in my life. I have nothing....new that is. Still struggling with health, trying not to gain the weight I lost with my sugar fiasco. I have kept the sugar down pretty good. My eyes are giving me a little trouble. In and out of focus. Diabetes. I have been trying to walk either early in the morning, or late at night. It is beastly hot in Texas right now. Both jobs are going well, though I don't seem to be moving ahead of my daily needs. My main desire right now is God. I want to move into a closer relationship with Him. All other things pale in comparison, and life means nothing to me without God being the center focus. That is why the retreat (that Lindsey spoke of) was such a blessing to me (even though she didn't think much of it). And that is why this weekend with the Bishop's visit (we had a day long conference on the Covenant and the Family, was so wonderful, and we had church with another church in town that believes very close to how we believe, and that was a major blessing also. See...all things pertaining to God make me feel blessed. I'm just not interested in anything else!

Just thought I would catch up for those of you who love to nudge. I have been doing well lately...even though my best friend Edwina quit Express and moved on to a better paying job. Now I am alone most of the time, except when my boss is there--but I don't see her much either because she goes back to her office and gets on the internet. Mostly, I am running the business by myself. Maybe she will give me a good raise this year!! Also, I am helping a friend out opening a new Christian bookstore in town. This is very exciting to me. I will help her with as much time as I can pull out of my day (after working my regular job) and Saturdays. This will also be a good cushion for extra things I am always needing and never have the money for. My dieting is on a plateau right now. I have been weighing the same for about 3 weeks. I guess it is time to cut out something else...bah humbug! But my other good friend Connie is going to start us getting up at 5am and walking for an hour. That should jump start the weight loss! And also make me feel better for the days work.

Other news...Nathan is engaged. They came in this morning showing off engagement ring..plan to get married next Augustish.

Having owned a business, my advice would be to understand the financial side of the business. If I would have had financial/business savvy I would still own my business. The next important thing is customer/people care. If you don't treat people as if they were the most important thing on earth, you will fail.

I haven't gone over totally, but have felt the results of eating alkaline. My mouth taste sweet, I feel much better--still not totally energetic but getting there. Thinking of going on a 7-day fast, although if it makes me feel sluggish I don't know if I could. I have to work. It isn't a fast in the usual sense, it requires drinking greens mixed with a couple of other things--so wouldn't be totally void of nutrients. I'll update with a journal diary if I do.

Bought some Cell Food. I don't think it is alkaline, but it is supposed to detoxify your cells and give them nourishment. I have a slight headache tonight I think due to that process. Anytime toxins leave the body they float around for a time and give me headaches.

Yeah, it's quite. Everyone is reading this weekend. And, nobody is going on line so they won't see what is happening in the middle, or toward the end, or the ENDING! I'm going to go work in my garden, I don't have to put up with this!!! ;D

It seems I get to this about once every couple of months! I don't have any excuses this time. I'm just lazy at writing lots of things. I did however get a bunch of cards written today to tell those I have been thinking of lately what I love about them. About 10 people! So I guess I come around sometimes and that is better than never, huh?

I miss Lindsey, but know she is having a wonderful time in NY! She has done more traveling in her 23 years than I have done in my 53, but then again, it's not my thing. I'm a home body and don't like traveling to new places.

I have started bringing my work home, could be another reason I haven't journaled. I have been with this company for over a year and there are still things I need to know. So the only time I have to study is on the weekends and at night. I am learning a lot reading through the manual though, so I guess that is good. I haven't read much this weekend and it is already Sunday night. Back to work tomorrow!!! Man time flies. I have to go guys. Have a great week! I'll try to do better from now on. (I always end on that statement don't I?)

Well, with the closing of Lindsey's university years and her graduation only a month away, I am feeling a little sad for her. It has got to be a very sad thing to leave the place of many friends, exciting living with those of like mind, and just plain ole school spirit. I know she is looking forward to getting into life for awhile before she goes the graduate school route, but I also know that she will be sad. This has been a childhood dream that has come true and she has stuck to it until it is done. I am very proud of her.

I am also very proud of my youngest son, because he has done far more with his school than I thought he would. He has never asked for help (as usual). He also has this admirable dogging through things he doesn't particularly care for to get to an acknowledged accomplishment.

My oldest son will be one of those people where things fall into his lap. He is genius in areas and those areas will probably lead to something on a grand scale, but if not, he has the most self gratifying routine I have ever seen in a person. I'm not worried that he may not go somewhere with his life, because he lives his life the way he wants to live it. That is saying something for him. I also have the ability to be happy with very little--so I relate to him the most I think.

Anyway, just feeling a bit melancholy about my children turning another corner in their life, leaving behind wonderful times, but having great memories.

Yikes! That was not a very good start on keeping up with my journal huh? Well, let's see...I work a lot....I planted an organic garden, which even though I have about one and half inches of mulch still seems to be overcome with grass (it was virgin ground with years of impacted grass however), and I bought this cool manual mower--none of you will EVER remember seeing one, much less using one, but it just has the blades, no motor, and you push it over the grass with your own strength, and whallah! it cuts grass! Good exercise, which I need any chance I can get. So it only takes about an hour to cut and trim my yard..it's not very big. But then I walk through the garden and pick out weeds and stuff that blows into my yard from the convenience store across the street (nasty people!). I've been planting flowers around my house also. I have some very nice rose bushes that have many beautiful roses on them right now. I love flowers. Especially growing ones.

Today, Saturday, I am washing my family's clothes, I have started on cleaning/organizing my bedroom which has been a pile of stuff for weeks-on-end, I am updating my journal, and this afternoon will weed my garden until I drop from exhaustion. Then I will have to go to the grocery store and get something for supper which I will fix for Lindsey-Lou and the boys, and tomorrow's church dinner.....I made myself totally tired just writing about this....ugh.

So I hope this suffices to prove that I have very little down time, and although I am carving out some of it today (while my bedroom waits patiently), I happen to have a computer free so I thought to steal a few minutes on it. Yeah, that is another most annoying reason. The boys are always on the computers when I can actually have a minute to write. Today, however, they are both working, and I'm not!! Yeah!!! Whoop! Whoop!

This does not mean that I don't love all of you bunches..cause I do. And this is the only way I can communicate with some of you. So bear with me when I go away for long periods of time because I'll be back. A few of you nudge me sometimes and that makes me remember so keep that up.

Well, off to read what you all have been doing ... for a few minutes, that is.

So I've been nudged again. I'm sorry. There have not been enough computers around at home to drive off two sons that have to be on 24/7, so I haven't journaled for that reason.

Everything in my life is good. I have no complaints. I have peace and joy and comfort--what more could I ask? Work is great--I love it. Friends and family are all great--I love them.

My new year's resolution is that I draw closer to God, devotion, Bible reading & prayer. That I lose 50 pounds this year, and that I get everything in my life organized--home and work. I will work on these three things each day until I've reached my goal. (I think I have this same resolution every year though.....)

So I've updated...now I think I'll go see what everybody else has been up to. Bye!!!

Well if you haven't heard by now--my life is upsidedown! I haven't written much in my journal in the past several months because I moved and that always means I don't have time for anything until I get my house in order, and I was in the process of doing that when the owner of my apartment sold the building I'm in and now I have to move again!! To top that I have my (uninsured) gall bladder out tomorrow, and won't feel like doing anything for awhile, but I still have to try to get organized at work and, by the way, work was in the same building as my apartment and it also had to move, which we did Friday. It's as if the "moving demon" has it out for me. I am all disorganized in every part of my life. It is cruel and inhuman punishment for something I obviously did wrong, but can't for the life of me figure out what. People are always praising me because I keep such a cool attitude when things happen....well, can you tell I'm not having a cool attitude about all this? I guess I have my limit, and it's here. Something very, very good must be around the corner because that is what always happens to even things out for me. We'll see...

HELLO FRIENDS AND FAMILY!!!!

Here I am finally. I have been nudged by Lovelyboxofmine to get back to updating my live journal. And therein lies the problem "live journal" means having time in your life to journal...and as everyone close knows, I have been doing unusual things lately.

One is that I moved again. Yeah, after all my whining last year..and for a solid year.. about getting my little house on the prairie organized, just about the time I did...I moved. But it was an unusual opportunity. Living 15 miles out of town was costing me a lot of gas, and the gas prices going so high were eating my lunch. After starting my new job at Express Personnel I found out that the building I was in had a nice two bedroom apartment upstairs and that the person living there was moving soon. I asked about it and told them I would be interested in finding out the details on cost etc. Well, the person actually moved out sooner and they asked me if I wanted it. I had heard that the owner, who is also my bosses father-in-law had had it on the market for awhile, so I was concerned about the prospect of it selling after I would move in. Everyone assured me, including my boss--who really wanted me here, that he would never sell it for the price he was asking. It was one of those deals that "if I can sell it for this exorbitant price I will"--but then it never sells for that price. Well, guess what--yeah, it sold. Now I don't know what will happen. I signed a 6 month lease, but 6 months is not going to be long enough for me to have to move again. What a pain if I have to move... So, all who know me and love the Lord, please pray that I do not have to move. Of course, if I do have to move, God must have some good reason for moving me. All in all, I will do what I have to.

Express Personnel has to move out by November, so I am not going to get out of moving either way. I don't look forward to moving the business. I hope that we can move really close to where I live. I mean, living upstairs where you work takes "no gas at all". And that's the way I like it. I can just run upstairs to eat lunch (leftovers or whatever). I can leave my house "one minute" before I am supposed to be there. Man, I have really been enjoying this setup. Not to mention it is a beautiful apartment...

Enough already...

My life is about the same otherwise. I have been doing well with my diabetes. I am trying to watch what I eat and exercise when I can. That is the best thing you can do for diabetes. I haven't taken any medication for it since the second refill and that has been at least 6 months. I guess that I don't need it, since my sugar levels stay pretty balanced.
Unless, I go out with the girls and have too much food or drink..

Guess I'll close for today. I will write more later.

Hello everyone....I'm back. Sorry I haven't blogged in awhile, but I have been very busy with life, and my computer wifi was out for a couple of weeks. I did go back over the past few weeks and read up on what ya'll have been doing. I am particulary interested in Jigmaker25's comments and have decided to comment on his blog concerning idolatry in relationships. It is as follows....

I hope you don't mind a comment on the 'relationship/marriage' idea that you brought up. I won't be able to say what I want as eloquently as you can, but I do have something to say.

I think you were brought up in the church? So, if I am correct, you had ideas about God etc. slowly incorporated in your basic, or, foundational learning years. Even before we are cognative of a matter, it goes in and settles in regions of our mind. It is unrecognized indoctrination, whether good or bad, that we all have in our upbringing. It goes for all of life learning. You and I have a little different upbringing in that respect because I was not raised in the church. I did have an experience at 16 that only lasted a couple of years, and then fell into my own thing until I was 27, eleven years later. (I am setting the stage for what I want you to know before I comment).

When I had done my own thing (all worldly favored things)I found myself at the end of a road one day. I was not happy with anything and was very lonely. I had been in many relationships that started with that heart-palpatation-thing and then ended with boredom, because

we fall in love with the idea of love more than the actual person.

We find as we are around that person for a long time, things start to dim the excitement, and sometimes to the point of . The feelings die, and you have to get out of it. I know you've been there.

Then, one day, as I said, I was feeling very lonely. Went to meet some good friends I hadn't seen in awhile and they reintroduced me to God. I wanted what they were offering, but hadn't believed that it was possible for so long that I had to completely undo that wall I had mentally built to even think about the possibility of it being true. Once I had given over to the possibility, and asked God to do that thing He does to make me understand, I was hooked.

The range of emotions started with grief. I was overcome with the of myself as I had become. Yes, I was lonely, but I had a lot invested in what could make me happy. Then, grief continued because I looked at those things compared to Christ on the cross dying because of my life choices. That feeling was probably partial to what Peter felt when Jesus looked at him after the third denial. I cried for weeks over this. Then, Love took over. I was washed by that , and those tears, and became a new creature. I was so in love that I DID get a rush up my spine at the very thought of Him. I took an extreme turn. I had no desire for any of what interested me before. It was very dramatic--even to me at the time.

Now this all fits with the comment you said in your blog about not ever having that same excited feeling about God, that you have with a . (I believe that may be because you had always been around God from your earliest learning) I had not had that relationship feeling with the Lord before--NOT because I had been raised in Church--but because I had NOT been raised in Church. As an coming to this relationship, I found it was very similar to what I had felt excited about in new earthly relationships--AND--what you cannot understand yet--in marriage. I think this will also explain the reason you don't believe you think as highly about God as you evidently do.

Well, only six short months in this excited state I met my future husband. We were together for about 6 months and decided to get married. I told my husband-to-be that he would never be #1 with me (taking a chance at losing the relationship)--but it was true. I didn't think I could ever put anyone before the Lord. As it turns out, I never did.

Relationships begin with that excitement. You never want to be anywhere else but around the person you love. After awhile (years) that excited love turns into comfortable love. Like that favorite chair you always sit in (with an ice cold Guinnes), or your favorite hobby, food, all the pleasurable things in life--you get the picture. Then, much later this love turns into you. You meld with this other person, you become truly one. Their personalities mingle with yours. You could finish their sentence. At that time, you cannot imagine ever living apart from them because it would feel like part of you missing. Many relationships don't make it to even the second stage I mentioned, much less this one.
Now, having said all of this. The comparison with Christ and His bride has a lot to do with how we develop in our relationships to one another. If you don't get as excited about the Lord as you find yourself getting with a , it is not because she is being put on a higher level than God. You have had an ongoing relationship with the Lord (through thick or thin) since you were a child. You are in a comfortable stage with Him, and though you are still learning and getting to know Him more intimately as time goes by, you have life also going on. You may never experience that first love feeling with God,(of course, you also 'may'), but there will be plenty of deeper love things going on that will develop even more as time goes on. I would say you have more of a Father/son relationship with God (or what you believe a father/son relationship should be). I don't know how your relationship with your real father has gone. I didn't have one (he died when I was 2). So, not only has God replaced my earthly father that I never had, but He has also replaced my earthly husband who failed to live up to his covenant responsibilities. Our relationships here on earth have both the image of God (Christ/Bride), and image our sinfulness (divorce/adultery/covenant breaking) against God. The things that matter in our earthly relationships have to do with rightness, if I may term it so. And when our relationships die it is always due to something so wrong we can't live with it. With God the ultimate Love 'forgives' those wrongs, and decides to love us regardless of the wrong. When we did that wrong, instead of breaking off with us He died to make our relationship with Him possible to continue. That is Christ's relationship with His Bride.
Is it possible to have an earthly relationship that mirrors Christ's love for us? I really don't think so. On earth we are all on the sinful side, Christ is on the perfect side even though he was a man like us on this side, yet without sin. Even as in love as you may feel about someone, there will always be sin to deal with on both sides. And though we can make it to the third stage where we become so used to one another that we feel like one--it still won't compare to the ultimately perfect relationship we have with the Lord.

I hope you could find my comment among what seems like rambling. What I want you to come away with is this: Go ahead and love with all that you can muster in this earthly life, don't hold anything back in that pursuit either. Have a wife, and set Christ's love to His bride as a goal! If you do that it will be wonderful; but it will never compare to what you will discover love to be in Glory where we will meet Perfect Love and get to 'feel' that love for the rest of eternity. Our earthly loves may fail, and have many times, but the Love of God in Christ to us sinners will never fail. Here is that Rock you can stand on through all relationships and not feel totally deserted if they don't make it.

So, what did I do all weekend? Well...my sweetest daughter in the whole world bought tickets for the Riverdance at Bass Hall!!!! Was it ever so wonderful!!! I loved every minute of it and didn't want it to end but, alas, it had to. Ever since I first saw it on PBS I have wished to see it live someday. Lindsey brought that wish come true. I love you sweetness...

Then, Sunday we watched "Pride and Prejudice". What an awesome movie guys!! If any of you haven't seen it tell Lindsey -- she owns it now.

Also, I am working for Express Personnel. We get people jobs. It is just part-time, but that is better than nothing. I also put in for a job at the library that very well could fill in and make a full time schedule. Prayers please. I would love to work at the library.

Well, I have my nieces Ashtin and Kaden staying with me tonight, so I need to go entertain. I made tacos and burritos for supper, with Rice Krispy treats for dessert--always a kid favorite. Also, Jessica came over to snuggle with Chris--so my little house on the prairie is full : )

Your results:
You are Deanna Troi

Deanna Troi 55% James T. Kirk (Captain) 50% Spock 47% Beverly Crusher 45% Data 44% Chekov 40% Uhura 40% Leonard McCoy (Bones) 35% Jean-Luc Picard 35% Will Riker 30% Worf 30% Geordi LaForge 25% Mr. Scott 20% Mr. Sulu 20% An Expendable Character (Redshirt) 20%

You are a caring and loving individual. You understand people's emotions and you are able to comfort and counsel them.

Click here to take the Star Trek Personality Quiz

I sound like iremembernot don't I? Well, the genes don't fall far from the tree. She's much smarter than me however. I don't claim to be anywhere near that brain. I really don't know where my offspring get their braininess, and humor. I'm a total stump on a log, and their dad sits at the other end of that log. But, I totally have fun reading and listening to them.

Specific_chris has a little of my absentmindedness though. Last night he took my car to go practice at church, and he kept my keys in his pants pocket and they went to work with him this morning. Marcus now has to come home to get his uniform for work, and it's already late for him. Oh well, I totally relate. I get into some pretty sticky similar situations sometimes. I used to get upset/angry when the kids or others did stuff like this, but one day I told myself I was exactly like that, so WTC! Since then I just mellow out, and just go with the flow. Makes life easier.

Anyway, I wrote a 20 page study note on the debatable subject of 'speaking in tongues' for my 12 year old niece. It took me all day yesterday. It was a good study, I think I helped even myself along on that one.

I find out this week if I go back to work. For those of you who pray, I would really like the venture I have submitted to Express Personnel, so shoot up a few for me. It would mean my best friend and I working together again. We make a great team.

That's all I have. Hope you see God working with you on this wonderful day of His.

I think it is 'depression'!!!! Hey, I don't have depression--ever! I wonder why I feel this way? Oh well, can't be completely level and balanced all the time I guess. My house is an absolute mess, complete with dishes that need washing. My room has never made it to the polished look, I still have mounds of things I don't know where to put. Edwina and I worked on the shed and storehouse yesterday, but we just put a small dent in it before giving out. Thank you Edwina, best friend in the world ^_^

But on the brighter side...I have many friends and the best three kids in the world, a cute roof over my head, a car that's paid for and runs great, I'm relatively healthy, I have good prospects for a new career in the making, a wonderful church, & a gracious and merciful God. There! I feel much better, I think I'll go clean.

To everyone I love have a very Happy Valentine's Day. I LOVE YOU MUCHES!! <3 <3 <3 <3 XOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOX

Ohhhh...this one was so good I have to share!

"When I meditated on the word 'Guidance, I kept seeing "dance" at the end of the word. I remember reading that doing God's will is a lot like dancing. When two people try to lead, nothing feels right. The movements don't flow with the music, and everything is quite uncomfortable and jerky. When one person realizes that fact, and lets the other one lead, both bodies begin to flow with the music. One gives gentle cues, perhaps with a nudge to the back or by pressing lightly in one direction or another. It is as if two become one body, moving beautifully. The dance takes surrender, willingness and attentiveness from one person and gentle guidance and skill from the other. My eyes drew back to the word Guidance. When I saw G....I thought of God, followed by U and I..."God", "U" and "I" "dance." That made me lower my head and become willing to trust that I would get guidance about my life with God's leading."

My prayer for you today is that God's blessings and mercies be upon you . May you abide in God as God abides in you. Trust God to lead and guide you as you flow beautifully together in this wonderful dance we call life.

Success by any other word would be a myriad of answers, don't you agree? What makes a person successful? I believe the average person thinks that success has to do with money. Some believe it has to do with career. And then there are those who believe in daily little mole hill successes, and that keeps them happy. What is your answer to the question of success? I'm really interested...

I'm having a great study on sanctification/justification. Here are some great quotes...

In the process of sanctification, the Holy Spirit continues what He started with justification. He began His work on the believer by opening his eyes to the reality of his sin, and has shown the believer the cross work of Christ on his behalf. The believer is justified from the penalty of sin. The Holy Spirit then begins to make the believer holy in his experience.

Outside of the cross, we did not think of how we should act; we just acted out of our sinful nature. Our "natural" actions were governed by the devil. The Holy Spirit lives in every believer. We know of His presence because we desire to do God's commands. Otherwise, we would have no desire to obey.

To walk in the Spirit is to demonstrate the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self control. The evidence of fruit in our lives is an outward expression of the inward condition of our heart. (whew!)

My favorite: No formula exists that we have to use; we do not "let" God work. That would make God our puppet--we would pull the strings. I, personally, do not want to be in control. God's plan for my life is so much greater than I can even think or imagine. He loved me enough to send His Son to bring about my salvation; I can trust Him to complete the work. He will put into my life exactly the trials and obstacles that I need to be able to see my faults and sins. I then ask for forgiveness and grow to be more holy. My life takes on His characteristics. I exhibit the "fruit of the Spirit" and become more conformed to His image.

I'm teaching this class to the Daughters of the King group. It has been a great study.